Homesick

It’s a cold evening in my room,

the air around it still and silent,

like the look in your eyes

and the scoff in your breath.

My insides are quivering

I feel threatened and alone

as if anything and everything I say means nothing

perhaps it doesn’t

perhaps I should want to stay.

Yet I feel homesick

homesick at home

I don’t even live here anymore yet it feels like my life is on the line

I never realised how much people tired me out.

I don’t speak

I shuffle and feel my skin crawl beneath your gaze

there’s the scoff first

then the derogative voice condemning my preferences in film,

and I don’t say a word

it’s like my mouth has been poisoned into muteness

and my face is being held under water

blocking my ears from hearing that condescending voice anymore,

it’s only a muffled sound now

but a sound I won’t forget.

I reach out for help only to have my hand slapped back

no one will listen

no one gives a crap,

I fall back into rank

I collapse like a thousand butterflies lived within my body

they drop dead as they leave,

and I lie there on that godforsaken arctic floor

wondering if these four walls will be the only things to ever hear my breaking voice.

Carved into my hand with acidity of your bruising words

three words I seem to always utter

as if they are a mantra for my life

an excuse for my pitiful existence

a broken vow and a forgotten promise

I’m so sorry

and that’s all they’ll ever hear

apology after apology

but where’s my apology

where’s the apology meant for me?

I’ll never hear it

not from the peat in your mouth

no I think you’d rather die

than apologise honestly to a female,

because that’s all you see in me

another female to belittle

another girl to stamp on

to judge and abuse

but I won’t let these animals inside escape my flowering mouth

no I’ll keep them quiet

I’ll keep me quiet

and I’ll never say another word again.