Just one last final thing.

All it takes sometimes is one thought

a scathing idea that passes quickly but makes your heart palpitate painfully

the kind of thought that makes you want to curl up in a ball and just breathe

but you can’t breathe

you can’t breathe because that one thought won’t leave you be,

you’re stuck in an endless twirl of one idea

forever experiencing the buzz of heartache -

in a way that you’ve never quite experienced before

it leaves you lightheaded as it continues to sing in your ear;

just one thing

then I’ll leave you be.

Just one thing

and I won’t be tarnishing your hands.

One last thing

and you won’t have to hear my nervous laugh

or see my closed off eyes,

just one last thing

and then I’ll let the tide consume me.

This is how you’ll find me

my hand reaching yet at the same time slowly withdrawing

I’ll close my eyes

and we’ll be older

and the sun will be shining

and that thought will have been swept off in the crash of the waves that allow me to breathe,

our ashen faces smiling at one another

the black holes under our eyes beginning to mend themselves

I wish I could look that far ahead

and fully believe in the possibility of it

but there’s just one thing

just one final thought

just one last thing

and I’ll be out of your hair forever.

Dream

I dreamed about you a few times

I saw your face in perfect quality,

watching from my lonely window in solitary

I can see you out of the corner of my eye

but some part of me is ready to get up and leave.

I dreamed about you a few times

I drowned you in the sea

we drowned each other

I dreamed I died in water

but I woke up on fire.

I dreamed about you one last time

We were laughing as we walked into the fire

I dreamed you left me in the flames

I dreamed you drank the ocean

And left me to burn in the volatile flames of deceit.

I dreamed about myself last night

I walked through those flames

I stepped through the walls they surrounded me with

and I came out with burns and bruises and a heart of sticks and stones

but I came out alive,

I came out with the will to survive. 

Scream

I want to scream until my lungs give out

I want to never talk again

I’d rather sit in pure untainted silence

Than have another one of these conversations in my head.

If I look up there is only a starry sky

And sometimes,

Sometimes there are no stars

Only a darkness that stretches as far eternity but is always out of my reach.

I’ve never been good at goodbyes

But I find I’m getting better

With each person I say it to

I feel a little bit freer to scream into the terrifying eternal night.

I also find that with every hour that I breathe in through my greedy lungs

I find myself coming back to life

Slowly at first, slowly then all at once,

I have all the friends I’ll ever need stop saying I need a man to complete me.

I’m not going to put myself out in the open anymore

Funnily enough it’s one of the worst things I could ever do

So I’m going to suck in a deep breath and hold it in my lungs

And I’m going scream into the darkness;

And I'm going to wait for it to scream back. 

Basically Screw You

*contains explicit language [??? as a warning ???]

I want to look at you and not feel anything

I want to hear your name and not remember everything

I want to look at you like you’re a stranger to me

like you meant nothing to me

but my head is so murky

your words are like the poison that I’m inhaling

dragging in fumes that spit like snakes at me

your words are similar in their form

you blame me

you blame them

you blame everyone except the one in the mirror

except the face that you see each morning

you don’t blame that face

you don’t blame yourself

not like me

not like how I live each day;

consumed to the brim with guilt like it’s the blood that drains my veins,

I don’t think you understand how it’s like to live like that.

I want to scream in your face

I want to burn every single trace of you from every single memory I have

cause I’m fucked up yes

but the worlds fucked up too

and you added to that

with your sweet words

your bag of devilish things

you pushed me into that corner of that cliff

the cliff that I was terrified of

the cliff that made me scared of heights,

you pushed me off and expected me to stay in the air

you expected me to stay floating when I hit the icy water

you expected me to forgive you

and maybe I should

maybe I should smile sweetly and sit down with that letter

and not snatch a lighter from someone

and not let it burn

not let the crinkled words mean a thing,

but they do

they cut deep like a dentists saw

they imprint themselves onto my skin like tattoos for all to see.

I hate them

I despise the words you wrote

the lies

the blames that make no sense

I’d love to tell you to grow a backbone

but it’s clear you can’t

it’s clear to me that you’ll forever remain the spineless bastard you’ve always been

there’s no changing that now

but I hope you’re happy

I hope you’re proud

I hope you know what mess you’ve caused

and one day I hope you actually care

and I hope you know that it’s too late now

so fuck you

I can’t spend forever feeling guilty for something I had no control over

I was a child

you were a terrible father

It’s simple in the most complicated of ways.