Fire and Ice and All Things Nice

I like fire

I like how it devours its surroundings,

I like how it lights up the cigarettes they hold so delicately.

It’s a poison that keeps spreading through my veins,

I’m on fire inside I scream

I’m dying inside I yell

And with their trained ears they choose not to hear,

I can’t breathe I whisper

And as if in synchronization they all turn away.

I like the icy coldness nestled in the air,

I like how it circles me

Follows me

Walks with me like a friend,

I like how it’s like fire

I like how I’ve been burned simply because I reached out to touch.

It’s comforting knowing that I won’t reach out again

Fearing the icy burn that zigzags across my chest.

I like how people forget me

Even if I’m standing right there,

I like how people regret me –

That’s a lie I know

I like how I’m second best to everyone,

I like how the more I exclude myself

The louder the voice in my head becomes,

It chuckles at all of my sordid attempts

And pushes me back into the darkness

Where the fires burn black and the ice grows and grows.

I’m cold

So cold. 

Ticking Stars

It was a cloudless night,

Funny how the stars shone bright,

The moon was half full

Hanging in the sky like the centerpiece of the tapestry around it,

Beautiful and distant,

Like something I craved but could never have.

My heart sings poetry,

I’m not sure you quite understand,

But as my heart screams it into my ear

The words tumble like liquid from my quiet mouth.

The stars are shining didn’t you hear?

The stars are shining,

Why aren’t you near?

I’ve stumbled into forever by accident,

It feels like such a lonesome place,

Full of sorrow and tears and misplaced trust,

It’s what I walk on as I step further into its void,

Time moves slower here

Like a dying watch that seems to somehow survive

Even though its ticking is a little off.

I would like to leave this god forsaken place,

Its tunes of happiness filled with remorse,

I’m scared of being left to live forever on my own,

Alone on this hellish road that sings such sweet melodies,

The stars are shining my dear,

They are shining so bright

Bright enough to make me wonder –

Is it so bad to be alone for eternity 
If they are all I need to brighten up my soul? 

Watch me from yesterdays darkness...

I see it now,

In the dark light of tomorrow

Where we drag our frozen bodies together in tandem,

Our hollow souls reaching for the sun,

We suffer in that darkness –

In this darkness that makes you believe that everything is alright.

You question my silence

You mistake it for anger

Frustration

Sadness.

But I’m stumbling towards tomorrow now

I’m getting further away from the things that are hurting me,

Maybe you should follow me,

Or maybe you should stay behind

Consumed by yesterday;

It’s not a good place to be.

But I won’t make you follow me,

I’ll go at my own pace and you’ll go at yours,

I’ll smile as I stumble

You’ll laugh as we fall.

Moonlight

I walk in moonlight,

Far away from you,

I stumble and fall and you let me go,

Who am I?

I implore,

I ask,

I long to know,

What is this sensation that I feel running through my bones?

The darkness sings to me

And I hear the sound of boots stumbling on pebbles

But when I look up there's nothing there.

Through the shadows I hear a long drawn out sigh,

A breath that calls to me as the headlight passes me by.

My fingers are like small threads of string

I shiver

They shiver too.

Enough

I walk in a valley of light

Yet I’m alone in the darkest part,

And I know that with my shaking hands and trembling heart

That what I’m doing simply isn’t enough.

I sigh

Unable to read the words anymore I sit in silence and wonder about my future,

A sad small smile invades my lips and I bow my head in sorrow,

There aren’t enough words to fully describe how I feel.

I would like to return to my small carving in the earth,

Alone and safe

No one can hurt me there,

But the wind pushes me back and I struggle and cry but I can’t go back.

My lips quiver and I say silent words into the sky,

Things that they can’t hear

That no one can hear

No one wants to hear that small voice try.

I can’t smile anymore but I know I must,

Otherwise I’d be left with nothing –

With no one but dust and icy memories encrusted in mournful poetry,

And displayed in glass cases around me like diamonds.

It’s cruel.

What they are all doing,

It’s cruel and harsh and my soul feels like it’s being crushed

Mum, will I ever be enough?

Lullaby

I whisper a lullaby into the night,

I let it leave my lips like a breath of air,

I pray to some unknown deity that it reaches the cusp of your ear,

And I wait.

My head pounds and my heart throbs,

I write down words of love and kindness

I write down the words you deserve

And I wait.

Legs crossed and arms folded

I survey the damage you’ve done to yourself,

And I feel agony that I’ve never sensed before enter my heart and stop at the doors to my soul,

And I wait.

I survive through pure will alone,

And I wonder as I dust myself off and brush my fingers over tender cuts,

Did you hear my whispers travelling on the wind?

Or must I wait more for you to feel loved again?

I hollow out my cheeks and breathe in your memory,

Because I know you’ll be a memory now

A good memory that ends so brutally but a memory all the same,

No question this time, I’ll wait, I’ll wait. 

What am I doing wrong?

The lamp shade sways as the wind rolls in through my window,

The light tremors like it would in a horror movie

But I remain where I am,

Leaning on my pillows in agitated defeat,

I cannot save you

When I am unable to save myself,

But I’ll try,

With all my being and my heart

I will try.

Then I’ll try and save myself,

Attempt to make things right within me,

Be a great daughter

A brilliant person,

Someone that people want to know.

But no one wants to really know me,

People are nosy sure

But when they find out certain facts it’s like they evaporate into the air,

They’re gone

And I’m left with the mess of their departure,

I’m left with the crash of my heart thumping against my chest.

What am I doing wrong?

I ask myself,

What could I do better?

I’ve come to terms with who I am now,

Haven’t I?

So why can’t others?

Why can’t people accept differences in their fellow beings?

Why is who I am never enough for them to want to remain by my side?

As a friend, a father, a whatever they happen to be,

Why must I be left behind in a flurry of snakes that snap at my heels?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Waves

It comes in waves,

The first one intense and surreal

Almost as if I can’t breathe,

The second makes me not see

I’m blind to the world,

I’m unseeing of the pain.

I can feel it though

So strongly in my heart,

Like a knife has been digging it up out of my chest in unpractised movements,

Your knife,

The thought makes me lose my breath,

And I can’t breathe again,

I’m not quite sure I want to.

I place a finger on my wrist,

Searching for my pulse that beats in slow taps against my skin,

Salvation I say,

I need

I desire

Happiness is what I truly require,

My finger falls away and blink back a new wave of temporary relief,

It feels good to cry

But it makes me feel even worse afterwards.

I close my eyes and count to ten in Japanese, French, Italian, Welsh,

The shriek of pain comes regardless

Because my mind keeps reverting back to you.

I’ve never felt so separate and isolated before,

I’m surrounded by thousands of people,

Yet they pass me by

They remain unaware or they simply do not care,

I’m falling

Like the torn wings of a shot down bird I’m deteriorating as I come back down to earth,

You watch me pass by

It hurts more knowing that you won’t help,

That I’m good enough for being used as your notebook of feelings

But my time is up now

I’m not enough now

Was I ever?

The thought turns my stomach but it feels true enough at this moment in time.

I’ve become an empty vessel,

A stranger in the land of time,

I’m blank like a piece of burning paper

The flames are eating me alive

Yet I can’t bring myself to care,

No one else does so why should I?

You don’t

Hell sometimes I think that you want me dead,

Maybe you do,

Maybe that’s my bleak future.

Like the rain outside my window I find pleasure in the clouds up above,

It’s almost peaceful how angry they look

In tandem with the roll of the sea the raindrops fall like snowflakes.

Beautiful

Fantastic

Like something I wish I could be.

Okay

I stumble in a field of some of the most beautiful things,

I see your face among the shadows

Like a ghost you fade,

Appear somewhere else,

Maybe even with someone else,

That’s okay,

I’ll say,

That’s okay.

I’m happy for you,

I’ll smile,

And then I’ll turn the other way.

You won’t ask how I am,

I’m not even sure I want you too,

Would you like to hear the soft cries I let slip when my turmoil reaches dangerous levels?

No

You don’t want that noise,

You don’t need the noise.

My heart is bleeding

My mind is grieving,

These tears are simply escaping the clutches of the deathly feeling inside my chest.

I want you to stay

After all, you could become happy one of these days

But what I want never gets heard anyway.

Why do I always do this to myself?

I play with fire

I play and play and play

And it causes burns after burns

And I enjoy the pain.

So take it

Please

Take it with the memory,

I don’t want it anymore,

Nor do I want the blood that pumps around my body,

Take it

Take it

Please, just do me this one favour. 

My Fire and Me.

My fingertips are bleeding heat onto the keyboard,

Yet it feels like a cold fire,

One that burns bright in my chest now

It’s roaring at my shaking hands.

I’m breathing in a darkness that caresses my soul,

It’s feeding on my heart

I’m too distracted by the embers on my skin to properly feel the burn,

To feel the scorch marks that sink into me.

I force myself to keep my eyes open

Even as the darkness bleeds into my pupils,

Turning my eyesight into a moonless night,

At least when I closed my eyes I could see the stars.

Someone stops outside my door,

Quiet – like they’re listening,

I freeze my curled up position

My head shakes minutely desperate to not hear a sharp tap.

With my heart in my throat

I wonder to myself how I’ll get out of this one,

I hold my breath and count the seconds in my head.

The footsteps begin again.

I’m alone once more.

The Art of Depression

I smile as I build up my fortress of webs,

I’m hiding from the hand of society;

From the look in their eyes.

I stutter and I fall

I scream the whispers that leave my lips,

There’s an issue with always pretending to be fine,

I internalize all the bitterness that I feel,

All the muffled cries that I echo into the night,

All of it

Hidden away from the world,

From you

From them.

I love too easy

I fall too deep,

I’m so unsure of myself that I doubt the fabrics of sincerity,

My imagination is made of dreams,

Colourful and bright

Happy and fluid,

They reflect the look I want to see in your eyes

I see flashes sometimes

Glimpses.

My mind is collapsing

Like those colourful dreams

It’s washing away into a foreign land,

And I’m just sitting here

Stranded at my desk

Surrounded by a wave of books and mess,

I’m fully aware that I’ll probably be like this forever

The wallpaper on the old dusty wall

Growing old

Alone

Growing old

I’ve never felt so cold.

You’ll go far,

You will go so far and I will cheer you on until you can no longer hear my voice,

And even then I’ll root for you

With my small aching smile and hallowed dark eyes,

I’ll watch you go far

And I’ll sit back against my dusty wall and stroke the dead petals that fall around me,

Then I’ll fall silent and still

Even if you don’t believe in yourself

I do –

With all my being I do.

Waiting

I pause and I look out into the mass of darkness that hovers over the sea,

I wait for you in silence,

My hand tapping out words into the phone that rests there,

I jingle my pockets

I awkwardly avoid looking at the far too engaged in each other couple.

I turn back to the sea.

There’s drunken laughter somewhere behind me,

I flinch as they walk by,

My hands clench around the cold metal bar that acts as a barrier to the sea

I feel strange inside as their voices become the wind

The giddy feeling inside of my chest has begun to melt into something far more foreign.

I hear the door open and shut.

And finally I see a familiar face in the mist

A smile claims my face for a moment,

How can it not?

I’m happy… no I’m giddy,

Giddy with relief.

Giddy with the cease of the buzzing in my head.

I feel a glimmer strike my chest.

We walk in tandem,

Our footsteps heavy like a soldier’s gun,

We talk in tandem,

Like a thousand worlds full of words are resting on our shoulders,

Our silence comforting in a way as we crunch our way over the sand and pebbles,

The ocean speaks for us in its pattering waves.

And then?

And then we breathe,

We drag in the fiery air and let it find its home in our hushed lungs,

We are free

Like the sand beneath my feet we are free

Our bodies like black holes for all the world to see

But they don’t.

They leave us be.

Moment

I can feel my skin burning up,

Like an array of stars has entered my scorched skin,

I shiver

I hold my legs to my chest and breathe,

The stars that dance under my skin reflect on my face,

I smile at them as they dance over my forearm,

Nestling into my elbow like children of the sun.

I’m tired though,

I rest my head on the pebbles under me and suck in the sea breeze,

Burning darkness fills my veins when my eyes begin to shut,

Like a thousand ants are crawling over my lids

I flinch unaware of jagged rock besides my weary head,

There’s a whisper of pain that screams in my brain,

Then it’s gone

Like it was never there in the first place,

Maybe it wasn’t

My heart tremors from within my chest,

The glow of the stars fades into the sparkle in our eyes,

We who sit alone in the makeshift separate world,

Temporary relief from reality

From everything,

From the letter I can barely look at to the notebook that holds all my secrets within.

I can’t hide forever

And I suppose

Neither can you.

But we can take this moment forever,

This can be the moment we release ourselves from the forges of society

Just for the moment

Until our toes get cold and we stumble back over the sinking sand that struggles to take our feet from us,

We climb mountains just to reach the warmth of our rooms

The embrace of society strangling us once again

Its sweet touch like poison ivy on our skin.

We can take this moment though

Just one moment for you and for me,

It’s ours, you see. 

Let's Just...

It begins with a sigh,

A soft sound that filters through my being

It ruffles my bones and settles upon my skin,

I take a moment to breathe again

Longing to feel the wind on my cheeks

And a small smile that reflects the world breaks through my heart.

I feel I can smile when that happens,

When the burning takes hold,

I’m happy and possibly a little cold;

But no matter!

It’s a small price to pay so small in fact it almost becomes insignificant,

Within my chest my heart trembles in unison with the words that drift with the breeze.

I can listen I can talk

I hear your voice clearly through the murky cloud of fog,

Like a beacon I float towards that sound,

Letting the sensations wash over me,

I feel like I could listen for days

That I could laugh for days on end,

I could…probably

Let’s just stay here a little longer, yeah?

We are, are we?

We allow the world to burn
We watch, we wait, we whistle a tune,
Whilst it ends in smoke around us.
No matter though, 
Why should we care after all?
What did the world do for us, right?
Except turn us on our heads and make us into the beings of our nightmares,
We become the nightmare ourselves, 
We are the nightmare
We are the flame,
We are the darkest of nights that delves into the stars
We destroy the stars
We rip them apart with our hands
We are the disease.
No.
I am the disease.
I am the nightmare. 

Bleeding Mental Health Issues Like Water From My Eyes

‘You’re a bad person’ my heart whispers into my soul,

I know I want to cry back

I know I know I know,

But my throat closes and my lips bleed

These people around me drag lie after lie from my aching teeth

‘You’re worth more,’ they say

‘Yes’ I reply with my sore tongue

‘I’m worth more’ I repeat as my eyes start to weep.

Their butchered hands caress my throat

But dark bruises and harsh fingernails are left in its place,

A whimper is torn fresh from my lips

As the hand grips tighter

Squeezing, squeezing

As that voice gets louder

I’m bleeding, it’s my fault I’m bleeding.

They whisper seductive nothings into my ear

About pills and concoctions that can cure me,

Cure me even though I’m not broken,

I’m not broken just frayed at the edges,

Yet she touches my cheek and smiles at the blood

In her hand the words I used to destroy myself,

She’s raising her hand and the words scatter and float around me

‘These words are meaningless’ she murmurs against my ear,

‘They aren’t’ I want to say

They mean so much to me –

But I can feel them slide across my skin,

Their edges slicing into my thighs

‘All they do is hurt you’ she trembles against my cheek

And all I can do is scream as my heart hammers against my chest

Please don’t take them away.

not today thx

You’d be wrong if you said I was alive with emotion,

Yes I may be alive,

My heart might be beating, my chest heaving,

But I’m not alive with it.

No, I’m alive with a smile that hurts my cheeks,

I’m flourishing with the hope that screams its way through my veins,

Its wail within me so loud I couldn’t possibly ignore its cry,

I’m alive with the blood pumping through my veins.

I am.

I’m that whisper that floats on the wind

The leaf that gets ripped from its branch,

The chill in the air that leaves you breathless.

I’m also a speck of dust

So small you can’t see me

You can’t hear me

You won’t hear me,

You won’t hear the whisper and the shout

The scream that fills my head

And that murderous voice that reminds me

The voice that circles in my melancholy head

“You’re not good enough for this, you’re not good enough for anything.”

You won’t hear it because I won’t let you

Because I don’t want to burden you with these words -

I don’t want you to feel that you have to help me;

I can’t be helped now.

It’s okay.

It’s alright.

It’s fine, so fine in fact that I can smile at you and you won’t know how achingly frozen I am,

I suppose that’s because you don’t want to know the cold anymore

That’s okay.

I’m okay

(No I’m not, I live a life of lies)

I can bear my burden alone like I always seemed to

I can do this alone.