Basically Screw You

*contains explicit language [??? as a warning ???]

I want to look at you and not feel anything

I want to hear your name and not remember everything

I want to look at you like you’re a stranger to me

like you meant nothing to me

but my head is so murky

your words are like the poison that I’m inhaling

dragging in fumes that spit like snakes at me

your words are similar in their form

you blame me

you blame them

you blame everyone except the one in the mirror

except the face that you see each morning

you don’t blame that face

you don’t blame yourself

not like me

not like how I live each day;

consumed to the brim with guilt like it’s the blood that drains my veins,

I don’t think you understand how it’s like to live like that.

I want to scream in your face

I want to burn every single trace of you from every single memory I have

cause I’m fucked up yes

but the worlds fucked up too

and you added to that

with your sweet words

your bag of devilish things

you pushed me into that corner of that cliff

the cliff that I was terrified of

the cliff that made me scared of heights,

you pushed me off and expected me to stay in the air

you expected me to stay floating when I hit the icy water

you expected me to forgive you

and maybe I should

maybe I should smile sweetly and sit down with that letter

and not snatch a lighter from someone

and not let it burn

not let the crinkled words mean a thing,

but they do

they cut deep like a dentists saw

they imprint themselves onto my skin like tattoos for all to see.

I hate them

I despise the words you wrote

the lies

the blames that make no sense

I’d love to tell you to grow a backbone

but it’s clear you can’t

it’s clear to me that you’ll forever remain the spineless bastard you’ve always been

there’s no changing that now

but I hope you’re happy

I hope you’re proud

I hope you know what mess you’ve caused

and one day I hope you actually care

and I hope you know that it’s too late now

so fuck you

I can’t spend forever feeling guilty for something I had no control over

I was a child

you were a terrible father

It’s simple in the most complicated of ways. 

You can't be serious.

I close the door gently when all I want to do is slam it shut,

The smile on my face is full of thousands of lies,

I’m miserable,

People don’t look close enough to see that the smile isn’t true,

They don’t see my unhappiness,

They only care enough to see my smile.

How many times have you run away?

I see the notches in the bedpost,

The blood on the carpet,

I hesitate to breathe,

And I cover my eyes –

Too afraid to see,

But my head is already cracking into a shattered puzzle,

And the pieces are being taken one by one away.

With my head in my hands I take a breath,

I know, I know,

The fragile thing I hold in my hands fragments as it descends to the floor,

And you stamp down.

I have these pills,

The implication rolling in my heart,

Used and tossed to one-side,

Broken and wondering why I even tried,

My spirit is eclipsed in all the things you take for granted.

I’m eighteen but my soul feels ninety,

It’s time to bottle up my scars,

Stop wasting my days,

Get up and move along,

Stand tall because I’m more than enough,

God those words feel so alien to me,

I’m enough, I whisper to the mirror in front of me,

My hand covering my face,

You’re enough

I whisper into the pillow under my head,

Forever hoping those words will be enough. 

Enough

I walk in a valley of light

Yet I’m alone in the darkest part,

And I know that with my shaking hands and trembling heart

That what I’m doing simply isn’t enough.

I sigh

Unable to read the words anymore I sit in silence and wonder about my future,

A sad small smile invades my lips and I bow my head in sorrow,

There aren’t enough words to fully describe how I feel.

I would like to return to my small carving in the earth,

Alone and safe

No one can hurt me there,

But the wind pushes me back and I struggle and cry but I can’t go back.

My lips quiver and I say silent words into the sky,

Things that they can’t hear

That no one can hear

No one wants to hear that small voice try.

I can’t smile anymore but I know I must,

Otherwise I’d be left with nothing –

With no one but dust and icy memories encrusted in mournful poetry,

And displayed in glass cases around me like diamonds.

It’s cruel.

What they are all doing,

It’s cruel and harsh and my soul feels like it’s being crushed

Mum, will I ever be enough?

What am I doing wrong?

The lamp shade sways as the wind rolls in through my window,

The light tremors like it would in a horror movie

But I remain where I am,

Leaning on my pillows in agitated defeat,

I cannot save you

When I am unable to save myself,

But I’ll try,

With all my being and my heart

I will try.

Then I’ll try and save myself,

Attempt to make things right within me,

Be a great daughter

A brilliant person,

Someone that people want to know.

But no one wants to really know me,

People are nosy sure

But when they find out certain facts it’s like they evaporate into the air,

They’re gone

And I’m left with the mess of their departure,

I’m left with the crash of my heart thumping against my chest.

What am I doing wrong?

I ask myself,

What could I do better?

I’ve come to terms with who I am now,

Haven’t I?

So why can’t others?

Why can’t people accept differences in their fellow beings?

Why is who I am never enough for them to want to remain by my side?

As a friend, a father, a whatever they happen to be,

Why must I be left behind in a flurry of snakes that snap at my heels?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Waves

It comes in waves,

The first one intense and surreal

Almost as if I can’t breathe,

The second makes me not see

I’m blind to the world,

I’m unseeing of the pain.

I can feel it though

So strongly in my heart,

Like a knife has been digging it up out of my chest in unpractised movements,

Your knife,

The thought makes me lose my breath,

And I can’t breathe again,

I’m not quite sure I want to.

I place a finger on my wrist,

Searching for my pulse that beats in slow taps against my skin,

Salvation I say,

I need

I desire

Happiness is what I truly require,

My finger falls away and blink back a new wave of temporary relief,

It feels good to cry

But it makes me feel even worse afterwards.

I close my eyes and count to ten in Japanese, French, Italian, Welsh,

The shriek of pain comes regardless

Because my mind keeps reverting back to you.

I’ve never felt so separate and isolated before,

I’m surrounded by thousands of people,

Yet they pass me by

They remain unaware or they simply do not care,

I’m falling

Like the torn wings of a shot down bird I’m deteriorating as I come back down to earth,

You watch me pass by

It hurts more knowing that you won’t help,

That I’m good enough for being used as your notebook of feelings

But my time is up now

I’m not enough now

Was I ever?

The thought turns my stomach but it feels true enough at this moment in time.

I’ve become an empty vessel,

A stranger in the land of time,

I’m blank like a piece of burning paper

The flames are eating me alive

Yet I can’t bring myself to care,

No one else does so why should I?

You don’t

Hell sometimes I think that you want me dead,

Maybe you do,

Maybe that’s my bleak future.

Like the rain outside my window I find pleasure in the clouds up above,

It’s almost peaceful how angry they look

In tandem with the roll of the sea the raindrops fall like snowflakes.

Beautiful

Fantastic

Like something I wish I could be.

Okay

I stumble in a field of some of the most beautiful things,

I see your face among the shadows

Like a ghost you fade,

Appear somewhere else,

Maybe even with someone else,

That’s okay,

I’ll say,

That’s okay.

I’m happy for you,

I’ll smile,

And then I’ll turn the other way.

You won’t ask how I am,

I’m not even sure I want you too,

Would you like to hear the soft cries I let slip when my turmoil reaches dangerous levels?

No

You don’t want that noise,

You don’t need the noise.

My heart is bleeding

My mind is grieving,

These tears are simply escaping the clutches of the deathly feeling inside my chest.

I want you to stay

After all, you could become happy one of these days

But what I want never gets heard anyway.

Why do I always do this to myself?

I play with fire

I play and play and play

And it causes burns after burns

And I enjoy the pain.

So take it

Please

Take it with the memory,

I don’t want it anymore,

Nor do I want the blood that pumps around my body,

Take it

Take it

Please, just do me this one favour.