Lullaby

I whisper a lullaby into the night,

I let it leave my lips like a breath of air,

I pray to some unknown deity that it reaches the cusp of your ear,

And I wait.

My head pounds and my heart throbs,

I write down words of love and kindness

I write down the words you deserve

And I wait.

Legs crossed and arms folded

I survey the damage you’ve done to yourself,

And I feel agony that I’ve never sensed before enter my heart and stop at the doors to my soul,

And I wait.

I survive through pure will alone,

And I wonder as I dust myself off and brush my fingers over tender cuts,

Did you hear my whispers travelling on the wind?

Or must I wait more for you to feel loved again?

I hollow out my cheeks and breathe in your memory,

Because I know you’ll be a memory now

A good memory that ends so brutally but a memory all the same,

No question this time, I’ll wait, I’ll wait. 

What am I doing wrong?

The lamp shade sways as the wind rolls in through my window,

The light tremors like it would in a horror movie

But I remain where I am,

Leaning on my pillows in agitated defeat,

I cannot save you

When I am unable to save myself,

But I’ll try,

With all my being and my heart

I will try.

Then I’ll try and save myself,

Attempt to make things right within me,

Be a great daughter

A brilliant person,

Someone that people want to know.

But no one wants to really know me,

People are nosy sure

But when they find out certain facts it’s like they evaporate into the air,

They’re gone

And I’m left with the mess of their departure,

I’m left with the crash of my heart thumping against my chest.

What am I doing wrong?

I ask myself,

What could I do better?

I’ve come to terms with who I am now,

Haven’t I?

So why can’t others?

Why can’t people accept differences in their fellow beings?

Why is who I am never enough for them to want to remain by my side?

As a friend, a father, a whatever they happen to be,

Why must I be left behind in a flurry of snakes that snap at my heels?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Waves

It comes in waves,

The first one intense and surreal

Almost as if I can’t breathe,

The second makes me not see

I’m blind to the world,

I’m unseeing of the pain.

I can feel it though

So strongly in my heart,

Like a knife has been digging it up out of my chest in unpractised movements,

Your knife,

The thought makes me lose my breath,

And I can’t breathe again,

I’m not quite sure I want to.

I place a finger on my wrist,

Searching for my pulse that beats in slow taps against my skin,

Salvation I say,

I need

I desire

Happiness is what I truly require,

My finger falls away and blink back a new wave of temporary relief,

It feels good to cry

But it makes me feel even worse afterwards.

I close my eyes and count to ten in Japanese, French, Italian, Welsh,

The shriek of pain comes regardless

Because my mind keeps reverting back to you.

I’ve never felt so separate and isolated before,

I’m surrounded by thousands of people,

Yet they pass me by

They remain unaware or they simply do not care,

I’m falling

Like the torn wings of a shot down bird I’m deteriorating as I come back down to earth,

You watch me pass by

It hurts more knowing that you won’t help,

That I’m good enough for being used as your notebook of feelings

But my time is up now

I’m not enough now

Was I ever?

The thought turns my stomach but it feels true enough at this moment in time.

I’ve become an empty vessel,

A stranger in the land of time,

I’m blank like a piece of burning paper

The flames are eating me alive

Yet I can’t bring myself to care,

No one else does so why should I?

You don’t

Hell sometimes I think that you want me dead,

Maybe you do,

Maybe that’s my bleak future.

Like the rain outside my window I find pleasure in the clouds up above,

It’s almost peaceful how angry they look

In tandem with the roll of the sea the raindrops fall like snowflakes.

Beautiful

Fantastic

Like something I wish I could be.

Okay

I stumble in a field of some of the most beautiful things,

I see your face among the shadows

Like a ghost you fade,

Appear somewhere else,

Maybe even with someone else,

That’s okay,

I’ll say,

That’s okay.

I’m happy for you,

I’ll smile,

And then I’ll turn the other way.

You won’t ask how I am,

I’m not even sure I want you too,

Would you like to hear the soft cries I let slip when my turmoil reaches dangerous levels?

No

You don’t want that noise,

You don’t need the noise.

My heart is bleeding

My mind is grieving,

These tears are simply escaping the clutches of the deathly feeling inside my chest.

I want you to stay

After all, you could become happy one of these days

But what I want never gets heard anyway.

Why do I always do this to myself?

I play with fire

I play and play and play

And it causes burns after burns

And I enjoy the pain.

So take it

Please

Take it with the memory,

I don’t want it anymore,

Nor do I want the blood that pumps around my body,

Take it

Take it

Please, just do me this one favour. 

My Fire and Me.

My fingertips are bleeding heat onto the keyboard,

Yet it feels like a cold fire,

One that burns bright in my chest now

It’s roaring at my shaking hands.

I’m breathing in a darkness that caresses my soul,

It’s feeding on my heart

I’m too distracted by the embers on my skin to properly feel the burn,

To feel the scorch marks that sink into me.

I force myself to keep my eyes open

Even as the darkness bleeds into my pupils,

Turning my eyesight into a moonless night,

At least when I closed my eyes I could see the stars.

Someone stops outside my door,

Quiet – like they’re listening,

I freeze my curled up position

My head shakes minutely desperate to not hear a sharp tap.

With my heart in my throat

I wonder to myself how I’ll get out of this one,

I hold my breath and count the seconds in my head.

The footsteps begin again.

I’m alone once more.

The Art of Depression

I smile as I build up my fortress of webs,

I’m hiding from the hand of society;

From the look in their eyes.

I stutter and I fall

I scream the whispers that leave my lips,

There’s an issue with always pretending to be fine,

I internalize all the bitterness that I feel,

All the muffled cries that I echo into the night,

All of it

Hidden away from the world,

From you

From them.

I love too easy

I fall too deep,

I’m so unsure of myself that I doubt the fabrics of sincerity,

My imagination is made of dreams,

Colourful and bright

Happy and fluid,

They reflect the look I want to see in your eyes

I see flashes sometimes

Glimpses.

My mind is collapsing

Like those colourful dreams

It’s washing away into a foreign land,

And I’m just sitting here

Stranded at my desk

Surrounded by a wave of books and mess,

I’m fully aware that I’ll probably be like this forever

The wallpaper on the old dusty wall

Growing old

Alone

Growing old

I’ve never felt so cold.

You’ll go far,

You will go so far and I will cheer you on until you can no longer hear my voice,

And even then I’ll root for you

With my small aching smile and hallowed dark eyes,

I’ll watch you go far

And I’ll sit back against my dusty wall and stroke the dead petals that fall around me,

Then I’ll fall silent and still

Even if you don’t believe in yourself

I do –

With all my being I do.

Waiting

I pause and I look out into the mass of darkness that hovers over the sea,

I wait for you in silence,

My hand tapping out words into the phone that rests there,

I jingle my pockets

I awkwardly avoid looking at the far too engaged in each other couple.

I turn back to the sea.

There’s drunken laughter somewhere behind me,

I flinch as they walk by,

My hands clench around the cold metal bar that acts as a barrier to the sea

I feel strange inside as their voices become the wind

The giddy feeling inside of my chest has begun to melt into something far more foreign.

I hear the door open and shut.

And finally I see a familiar face in the mist

A smile claims my face for a moment,

How can it not?

I’m happy… no I’m giddy,

Giddy with relief.

Giddy with the cease of the buzzing in my head.

I feel a glimmer strike my chest.

We walk in tandem,

Our footsteps heavy like a soldier’s gun,

We talk in tandem,

Like a thousand worlds full of words are resting on our shoulders,

Our silence comforting in a way as we crunch our way over the sand and pebbles,

The ocean speaks for us in its pattering waves.

And then?

And then we breathe,

We drag in the fiery air and let it find its home in our hushed lungs,

We are free

Like the sand beneath my feet we are free

Our bodies like black holes for all the world to see

But they don’t.

They leave us be.