Fire and Ice and All Things Nice

I like fire

I like how it devours its surroundings,

I like how it lights up the cigarettes they hold so delicately.

It’s a poison that keeps spreading through my veins,

I’m on fire inside I scream

I’m dying inside I yell

And with their trained ears they choose not to hear,

I can’t breathe I whisper

And as if in synchronization they all turn away.

I like the icy coldness nestled in the air,

I like how it circles me

Follows me

Walks with me like a friend,

I like how it’s like fire

I like how I’ve been burned simply because I reached out to touch.

It’s comforting knowing that I won’t reach out again

Fearing the icy burn that zigzags across my chest.

I like how people forget me

Even if I’m standing right there,

I like how people regret me –

That’s a lie I know

I like how I’m second best to everyone,

I like how the more I exclude myself

The louder the voice in my head becomes,

It chuckles at all of my sordid attempts

And pushes me back into the darkness

Where the fires burn black and the ice grows and grows.

I’m cold

So cold. 

Ticking Stars

It was a cloudless night,

Funny how the stars shone bright,

The moon was half full

Hanging in the sky like the centerpiece of the tapestry around it,

Beautiful and distant,

Like something I craved but could never have.

My heart sings poetry,

I’m not sure you quite understand,

But as my heart screams it into my ear

The words tumble like liquid from my quiet mouth.

The stars are shining didn’t you hear?

The stars are shining,

Why aren’t you near?

I’ve stumbled into forever by accident,

It feels like such a lonesome place,

Full of sorrow and tears and misplaced trust,

It’s what I walk on as I step further into its void,

Time moves slower here

Like a dying watch that seems to somehow survive

Even though its ticking is a little off.

I would like to leave this god forsaken place,

Its tunes of happiness filled with remorse,

I’m scared of being left to live forever on my own,

Alone on this hellish road that sings such sweet melodies,

The stars are shining my dear,

They are shining so bright

Bright enough to make me wonder –

Is it so bad to be alone for eternity 
If they are all I need to brighten up my soul? 

Watch me from yesterdays darkness...

I see it now,

In the dark light of tomorrow

Where we drag our frozen bodies together in tandem,

Our hollow souls reaching for the sun,

We suffer in that darkness –

In this darkness that makes you believe that everything is alright.

You question my silence

You mistake it for anger

Frustration

Sadness.

But I’m stumbling towards tomorrow now

I’m getting further away from the things that are hurting me,

Maybe you should follow me,

Or maybe you should stay behind

Consumed by yesterday;

It’s not a good place to be.

But I won’t make you follow me,

I’ll go at my own pace and you’ll go at yours,

I’ll smile as I stumble

You’ll laugh as we fall.

Moonlight

I walk in moonlight,

Far away from you,

I stumble and fall and you let me go,

Who am I?

I implore,

I ask,

I long to know,

What is this sensation that I feel running through my bones?

The darkness sings to me

And I hear the sound of boots stumbling on pebbles

But when I look up there's nothing there.

Through the shadows I hear a long drawn out sigh,

A breath that calls to me as the headlight passes me by.

My fingers are like small threads of string

I shiver

They shiver too.

Enough

I walk in a valley of light

Yet I’m alone in the darkest part,

And I know that with my shaking hands and trembling heart

That what I’m doing simply isn’t enough.

I sigh

Unable to read the words anymore I sit in silence and wonder about my future,

A sad small smile invades my lips and I bow my head in sorrow,

There aren’t enough words to fully describe how I feel.

I would like to return to my small carving in the earth,

Alone and safe

No one can hurt me there,

But the wind pushes me back and I struggle and cry but I can’t go back.

My lips quiver and I say silent words into the sky,

Things that they can’t hear

That no one can hear

No one wants to hear that small voice try.

I can’t smile anymore but I know I must,

Otherwise I’d be left with nothing –

With no one but dust and icy memories encrusted in mournful poetry,

And displayed in glass cases around me like diamonds.

It’s cruel.

What they are all doing,

It’s cruel and harsh and my soul feels like it’s being crushed

Mum, will I ever be enough?

Lullaby

I whisper a lullaby into the night,

I let it leave my lips like a breath of air,

I pray to some unknown deity that it reaches the cusp of your ear,

And I wait.

My head pounds and my heart throbs,

I write down words of love and kindness

I write down the words you deserve

And I wait.

Legs crossed and arms folded

I survey the damage you’ve done to yourself,

And I feel agony that I’ve never sensed before enter my heart and stop at the doors to my soul,

And I wait.

I survive through pure will alone,

And I wonder as I dust myself off and brush my fingers over tender cuts,

Did you hear my whispers travelling on the wind?

Or must I wait more for you to feel loved again?

I hollow out my cheeks and breathe in your memory,

Because I know you’ll be a memory now

A good memory that ends so brutally but a memory all the same,

No question this time, I’ll wait, I’ll wait. 

What am I doing wrong?

The lamp shade sways as the wind rolls in through my window,

The light tremors like it would in a horror movie

But I remain where I am,

Leaning on my pillows in agitated defeat,

I cannot save you

When I am unable to save myself,

But I’ll try,

With all my being and my heart

I will try.

Then I’ll try and save myself,

Attempt to make things right within me,

Be a great daughter

A brilliant person,

Someone that people want to know.

But no one wants to really know me,

People are nosy sure

But when they find out certain facts it’s like they evaporate into the air,

They’re gone

And I’m left with the mess of their departure,

I’m left with the crash of my heart thumping against my chest.

What am I doing wrong?

I ask myself,

What could I do better?

I’ve come to terms with who I am now,

Haven’t I?

So why can’t others?

Why can’t people accept differences in their fellow beings?

Why is who I am never enough for them to want to remain by my side?

As a friend, a father, a whatever they happen to be,

Why must I be left behind in a flurry of snakes that snap at my heels?

Why?

Why?

Why?